BORING/DULL ACTUARIES

What do you call a plane full of actuaries?
A Boring 747.

People only call actuaries boring until they learn how much money they make.
Then they call them rich and boring.

What do you call an actuary with a sense of humour?
Part Qualified.

Did you hear about the terrorists who
hijacked a plane full of actuaries?
They threatened to release one each hour
until their demands were met.

I got called pretty today.
Actually, the full sentence was,
“You’re a pretty boring actuary.”
But I’m focussing on the positive.

What do actuaries do to liven up the office party?
Not show up.

When do actuaries laugh out loud?
When somebody asks them to be certain.

Psychologist to actuary: The problem is that you’re boring.
Actuary: I’d like a second opinion, please.
Psychologist: OK, you’re ugly as well. 

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“Since the book is an actuarial text, it seems appropriate to do a probabilistic review.

Please consider buying this book to support humorous actuaries, they are an endangered species.“

WHAT IS AN ACTUARIAL TUTOR?

Someone who tutors actuaries.

I’m glad to have cleared that up for you.

What do you mean, you don’t know what an actuary is?

They are a mythical mathematical creature, rarer than a unicorn and twice as shy.

If you stand very still and look like a spreadsheet, you might be lucky enough to see one emerge from their office late at night, foraging for food. But this period is all too brief as they quickly head to their homes lest they have to engage in small talk with strangers.

As an actuarial tutor, I was trained in the mystical art of capturing young lesser spotted actuaries as they leave the safety of their nests. As part of my conservation work, I help prepare them to overcome the many trials, known as actuarial exams, that they will face in the wild.

Once they have demonstrated their prowess in my safe and controlled environment, I release them back into the wild.  Actuarial Tutors hope these fledglings will successfully navigate these trials so they can be welcomed into the adult pack of actuaries. There they can live out the rest of their lives in monochrome.

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“That was definitely not what I was expecting, whatever that was. And I won’t forget it, for better or worse.”

“I thoroughly enjoyed this book. John, through his many years of teaching, has clearly picked up on the traits and personalities common to student actuaries and brings them to life through a series of real life (although GDPR censored) anecdotes in this book.”

“Finally, I’ve found someone more nuts than me!”

“This book fills a glaring hole in the ‘confessions’ genre of career advice books. Can I claim CPD from reading this?”

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…Little Red-Eyed Riding Actuary was at first concerned upon hearing the deep voice of the wolf, but then realised that 95% of ill people’s hoarse voice confidence intervals would still include this sound.

She answered, “It is your grandchild, Little Red-Eyed Riding Actuary.”

The wolf softened his voice as much as he could and said, “Lift the latch and come in.”

When Little Red-Eyed Riding Actuary came in, she saw her grandmother lying in bed with her cap pulled far over her face, and looking like a definite outlier to the Grandmother’s appearance distribution.

Nevertheless, she started with a null hypothesis that it was indeed her grandmother and carried out a test based on a sample of her grandmother’s appearance.

“Oh grandmother,” she said, “What big ears you have!”

“All the better to hear you say that I’m still within three standard deviations of the mean, my child.”…

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“Oh my, this book was fantastic. It was so funny. I loved it. The incorporation of statistical jokes in fairy tales was brilliant. Definitely a good read for anyone even remotely into math.”

“The book is structured as if every fairy tale was a model and John states assumptions in the beginning. They are so hilarious, for example: ‘Princes have a penchant for wandering in woods and coming upon damsels in distress.’
John uses absurd exaggeration and hyperbolae to poke fun at the lack of social life of actuaries or of their preferences to be in a smaller group. This is an oversimplification, as is the case for many models.”

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“This was a big hit in the office! The actuaries loved it, and even the ones who weren’t actuaries were also laughing… filled with awful actuarial puns, insurance-related and risk-related jokes, and plenty of cute office-related pictures to color in – it will make for a fun gift for the office worker in your life, especially if they work in pensions or insurance.”

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We need an actuarial-themed restaurant “Ito’s Lemma -nade” “Taylor Series Infinite Breadsticks” “Meat Your Deductible – Meat lover’s Pizza”.

Reminder to consulting actuaries working from home with a child… keep track of their billable hours and send them an invoice once they’re 18 years old.

When the heck is Excel going to come out with a smart watch? I’m just lookin’ for a quick 10×3 workbook I can wear on my wrist.

I know three other languages” was a great bar pickup line until he said “… SQL, SAS, and VBA.”

Actuary intern walks into a doctor’s office
“What’s wrong?”
I have a big presentation tomorrow & I just feel awful. I’m nauseous & have a sharp pain in my abdomen.
“I’m afraid we’re going to have to remove your appendix.”
We can maybe take out Appendix C, but what about the pain?

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“I bought this for my own actuarial dog, as he is unable to use Twitter. While it is good for jokes it is no substitute for the official exam materials.”

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“Featuring pie charts, bar charts, Venn diagrams and speed-time graphs, to name but a few, it’s a winningly nerdy dissection of the behaviour of cats. The graphics in the book convey the haughty attitude of cats, and how they stubbornly refuse to do what their owners want them to do, choosing instead to make their owners work hard for their affections. But then, isn’t that the appeal of owning them?“

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