Actuarial Jokes

Actuarial Joke book

A selection of more than 100 jokes from my Ultimate Actuarial Joke Book.

Sorted into topics and containing the very best classic actuarial jokes as well as over 150 geeky new jokes created especially for this book.

Ebook, audio and paperback available now.
Hardback coming soon.

What is an actuary?


What’s the difference between an actuary and a zombie?


Zombies lose their personality after dying.
(Joke by Kanishka Singhal)


What’s the difference between a sperm and an actuary?


The sperm has a one in ten million chance of becoming a human being.


What’s the difference between an actuary and a terrorist?


You can negotiate with a terrorist.


An actuary is somebody who expects everyone to be dead on time.

Actuary: a place where they bury dead actors.

An actuary is an expert who can solve a problem you didn’t even know you had in a way you can’t understand.


What’s did the actuarial jedi say?


May the force of interest be with you.

Bumper Stickers

Actuaries do it until disability, death or withdrawal.

Actuaries do it discretely but continuously.

Insurance agents do it with third parties.

Actuaries do it with varying rates of interest.

Unusual actuaries

Why did the actuarial vampire get fired?
Because she was afraid of the stakeholders.
(Joke by John Lee)

What is the difference between an English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. The Sicilian actuary can tell you whom and their addresses.

A Bayesian actuary is someone who, vaguely expecting a horse and catching a glimpse of a donkey, strongly believes he has seen a mule.
(Joke attributed to Dr Charles Annis)

Old actuaries

Old actuaries never die…
they just get broken down by age and sex.
(Joke attributed to Bob Crompton)

Old mathematicians never die… they just lose some of their functions.



What do you call a plane full of actuaries?


A Boring 747

An actuary was explaining to her psychiatrist how everyone in the world thinks she’s boring...

“Nonsense,” replies the psychiatrist,
“Not everyone in the world knows you.”


How do you make an actuary laugh on Monday?


Tell them a joke on Friday.

OCD Actuaries

How do you keep an actuary in the shower for the entire day?
Give them a bottle of shampoo which says:
“lather, rinse and repeat.”

Did you hear about the actuary who was afraid of negative numbers?
She stopped at nothing to avoid them.

Yesterday, I asked an actuary to go to the back of the queue.
He came back five minutes later and explained that he couldn’t as someone else was already there.

Bad Actuaries

After enough alcohol all statisticians tend to become Bayesians.
They start making inferences from their posterior.

My actuarial colleague and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

I got pulled over while doing calculus in my car last night.
The cop said I was deriving over the limit.

What do you call an actuary who never tells the truth?
A straight outlier.

Socially Awkward Actuaries

How can you spot an extroverted actuary at a party?
He’s the one staring at someone else’s shoes.
(Joke attributed to Al Beer)

How did the actuary ensure that no-one talked to her
whilst on holiday?
She wore a sign saying:
“Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life insurance package.”

When they simultaneously spot a $100 bill while out strolling, Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an outgoing actuary, and an elderly drunken man stop in their tracks.
Who is the lucky one who gets it?
The old drunk, obviously.
The other three are mythological beings.

Actuaries in the outside world

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have type I diabetes.”
Actuary: “That’s a relief. I thought I had diabetes.”

Why shouldn’t you share your food with an actuary?
Because they always want a large sample.

Why do actuaries always book a table before going to a restaurant? Because they know the importance of reserving. (Joke by John Lee)


Did you hear about the actuary who wrote to the lonely hearts club?

They wrote back saying that they just weren’t that lonely.

I asked a statistician out on a date.

She failed to reject me.

Girl: Tell me 3 words that are better than I love you!

Actuarial student: independent identically distributed.

What’s the difference between men and endowment policies?

An endowment policy eventually matures.

What does an actuary use for birth control?

Their personality.

What do women and unit-linked insurance policies have in common?

Both are hard to understand, costly and what you get is not guaranteed.

Actuarial Dad Jokes


Why did the teacher give the rectangle a detention?


Because it said a square word.

Never ask a felon to organise something numerically.

Not unless you’re prepared to handle the con sequences.


Why don’t mathematicians graduate from university with degrees?


Because they prefer radians.

Actuaries vs Accountants

What accountants say about actuaries

An actuary is someone who aspired to become an accountant, but just didn’t have the personality for it.

What motivates some accountants to become actuaries?
When bookkeeping excites them just too much.

What do you call an actuary who marries an accountant?
A social climber.

When does someone decide to pursue an actuarial career?
When they realise they lack the charisma required to be a successful undertaker.

What Actuaries say about accountants

What’s the difference between an actuary and an accountant?
About £45,000
(Joke by John Lee but probably not original)

How many accountants are needed to calculate the present value of an annuity?

Three. One to calculate each payment’s amount, one to determine the right account to record the payments in, and the last one to find an actuary and ask them how to calculate it.

Actuarial Terms

Why do we use phi (φ) to represent the standard normal distribution?

Phi not?
(Joke by John Lee)

What’s the wettest annuity?

An annuity dew.
(Joke by John Lee)

What function is used to model an actuary’s journey to work each day?

A commutation function.

A Day in the life of an Actuary


Interviewer: What do you consider to be your st—
Guy: strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
Interviewer: Okay, and your we—
Guy: Wheat Allergies? None whatsoever.

Interview question: What first attracted you to the salary of an actuary?  (Joke by John Lee)


Why did the actuary call her model rude names?


Sensitivity testing.
(Joke by John Lee)


What lets you know that a pricing actuary is getting soft?
When they actually listen to marketing before saying no.

Two actuaries are taken to a restaurant by their underwriter.
“What can I get for you, ma’am?” the waiter asked the underwriter.
“I’ll have the steak,” she answered.
“And what about your vegetables?”
The underwriter responds, “They’ll also have the steak.”

The ultimate statistical put-down:
Your mother is so mean, she has no standard deviation!


Why do actuaries love Fridays?


They get the whole weekend to catch up on work.
(Joke by John Lee)


How can you tell when an actuary’s having a mid-life crisis?


They get a faster calculator.


What is an actuary’s favourite thing about holidays?


There is less traffic on the way to work.


Our model, which art in nowhere.
Guessing be thy name.
Thy assumptions come,
Thy will be done in future as it was in the past.
Give us this day our premium rates,
and forgive us our lousy estimates,
as we forgive those who supply us with crappy data.
Lead us not into insolvencies,
and deliver us from auditors.
For thine is the #NAME?, #DIV/0! and #VALUE!,
forever and ever. Amen.


Data science is 80% preparing data,
and 20% complaining about preparing data.

What’s an actuary’s definition of progress?
Starting the day with lots of problems,
but finishing with lots of problems in a spreadsheet.

Statistics show that 84% of actuaries are pedantic.
Well, 84.1%.

My friend always helps me out with maps and diagrams by pointing out what all the little symbols mean. The guy is a legend.

Excel Jokes

What’s an actuary’s favourite Roman numeral?

(Joke by John Lee)

A pivot table walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “Should I start a new tab?”
(Joke by Jordan Goldmeier)

What do Excel and men have in common?

They both mistakenly believe something to be a date.

Actuarial Specialisms


What’s the difference between a pension savings account and a musician?
One eventually matures and starts to make money.

Why was the hippy disappointed upon retirement?
His pension pot wasn’t what he expected.
(Joke by John Lee)

The chief financial officer calls the actuarial firm she has used for years and requests to speak with an actuary.
The receptionist transfers the CFO to the actuarial department, where the actuarial manager tells him,
“For the last time, you’ve changed to a money purchase scheme, so you don’t need a Scheme Actuary.”
“I know,” the financial director replies.
“I just wanted to hear you say it again.”

General (Casualty) Insurance

Because they are highly reserved. Insurance is like a car, driven by the company president with the sales manager pressing the accelerator, the underwriter pumping the brake, the actuary peering out the back window giving directions and the claims department tossing money out of the sunroof.
(Attributed to Fred Kilbourne and Rick Dorman)

Why are politicians unable to obtain insurance?
Too much lie-ability.

A man wanted to insure his wooden leg against fire.
The first actuary quoted a premium of £500 pa, assuming the leg burns once every 20 years and the leg’s value was £10,000, whereas a second actuary quoted only a premium of £50 pa.
“How did you calculate such a low premium?” the man asked.
“It’s just given in the fire schedule rating table,” she answered, “a wooden structure equipped with a sprinkler at the top.”

Lightning struck my local church, but the insurance company refused to cover it.
According to the insurer, it was an act of God, and hence, it was deliberate damage by the owner.


Why aren’t endowment assurance plans very talkative?
Because they are highly reserved.

You know, my health insurance lets me be ill at ease.

A life insurance agent was filling out an application when she reached the section about health history.
She asked the client how his grandpa had died.
“Peacefully in his sleep,” the client said,
“Not shouting and screaming like his car’s passengers.”


What do you call investing your partner’s salary into a cryptocurrency they despise?
Passive aggressive income.

Why do investors prefer soup to sandwiches for lunch?
Liquidity preference
(Joke by John Lee)

What do you call a liability with no friends?
A loan.

Consulting Actuaries

A consulting actuary is someone who asks you for your watch, tells you the time and then charges a lot of money for the privilege!

How do you make a group of consultant actuaries
smile for a photo?
Just say, “Fees”.

A consulting actuary and his client sat down together for the first time.
“I desperately need your help to interpret the significant
three-way interaction in our models. What are your fees?” asked the client.
“Two hundred pounds for three questions,” replied the actuary.
“Isn’t that a little steep?”
“Not at all. Now, what’s your third question?”

Actuarially Rude Jokes

What’s the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a data scientist?

Premature extrapolation.

Did you hear about the perverted actuary?

Standard deviation just wasn’t enough for them.

What do you call a person who is aroused by the top line of a spreadsheet?

A header-row sexual.

Joke Tropes

*Knock knock*

*Actuary inside stays silent and absolutely still
until knocking stops*
(Joke by John Lee)

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a fifth of the man I used to be...

Just relax a bit. You’re two tenths.

How many stockbrokers are needed take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to sell it before it crashes.


Why did the actuary cross the road?


Because that’s what they did last year.


Why did the consulting actuary cross back?


So she could charge the client for travel expenses.


But why did the actuary cross the road?


To bore people on the other side.


How many actuaries are needed to change a light bulb?


Zero, after credibility weighting, we have indications that the bulb is still lit.


How many insurance actuaries are needed to change a light bulb?


None, the insurance department is not permitting any modifications to the bulb at this time.


How many actuaries are needed to change a light bulb?


How many did it take last year? Add a margin.

There are three kinds of actuaries in the world...

...those who can count and those that can’t.
(Joke attributed to Fred Kilbourne)

There are 10 kinds of actuaries in the world...

...those who understand binary numbers and those who do not.

There are two kinds of actuaries in the world...

...those who believe that the world can be divided into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.